7 Reasons Not to Mess Up with a Child

 1.A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

 2.A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 3.A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 4.One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 5.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

 6.A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

 7.The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Church Announcements

***These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.***

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the St. Martin's Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

- Don't let worry kill you off, let the church help.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons.

- The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell"? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

- This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

- The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

- The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours!"

tech support (pinoy)

ETO TUNAY, TECH SUPPORT HORROR STORIES

——————

MAARTENG USER FROM ANOTHER DEPT: HELLO, PUNTAHAN NYO NAMAN TONG PC KO SIRA KASE NDI KO MABUKSAN ANG SABI INCORRECT PASSWORD DAW YUNG ERROR ANO BA IBIG SABIHIN NON? ME GAGAWIN PA KASE AKONG REPORT BLAH BLAH BLAH

PINOYTECH (BITCH MODE):  ANG IBIG SABIHIN NYAN MALI YUNG PASSWORD NA INILALAGAY NYO, SELF EXPLANATORY NAMAN YUNG ERROR EH.

MAARTENG USER:   (IN A MOCKING TONE) PASENSYA KA NA HA KASE NDI NAMAN LAHAT NG TAO KASING TALINO MO (APPARENTLY BASIC ENGLISH NDI MO IPINASA NUNG GRADE SKUL)

——————-

USER: HELLO PEDE MAKAUSAP YUNG IN CHARGE SA MGA PHONE LINES

PINOYTECH: ALIN PONG LINE YUNG GINAGAMIT SA PANG DIAL UP NG FIAS O YUNG SA LOCAL LINES PO NATIN?

USER: BASTA YUNG ME HAWAK SA BAYANTEL NA TELEPONO SINO BA ME HAWAK NON?

PINOYTECH: AH SANDALI LANG PO I TRANSFER KO KAYO, PAHANAP NA LANG PO SI MAHAL

USER: ANO!? SI MAHAL!? NILOLOKO MO BAKO? BASTOS KA AH *BINAGSAK YUNG TELEPONO*

(ME TAGA TECH TALAGA NA MAHAL ANG NICKNAME SA NOD, ITO YUNG KASAGSAGAN NG

COMMERCIAL NI MAHAL (YUNG MALIIT NA ARTISTA) FOR BAYANTEL)

———————–

USER: HELLO ANO BA NAMAN TONG PC NA INILAGAY NYO DITO KANINA PA TUNOG NG TUNOG NDI AKO MAKATRABAHO NG AYOS, PUNTAHAN NYO NGA

(PUNTA NAMAN ANG MOKONG, PAGDATING DON..)

PINOYTECH: MAM ME NAKADAGAN PONG FOLDER SA CTRL BUTTON NG KEYBOARD NYO TUTUNOG NGA NG TUTUNOG YAN

USER: EH BAKIT MO NAMAN KASE PINAPAKIALAMAN YANG MGA GAMIT KO!?

———————–

USER: HELLO, INQUIRE KO LANG KUNG NABABASA BA NG MGA CD DRIVE NATIN YUNG MGA MINI DISCS

PINOYTECH: PEDE PO

USER: EH BAT GANTO AYAW NYA TANGGAPIN PAG NILALAGAY KO LAGI NA LANG INILALAGLAG NG CPU?

(YUNG CPU NYA NAKATAGILID SYEMPRE YUNG CD DRIVE NAKATAGILID DIN, MALALAGLAG NGA YUN)

———————–

USER: HELLO TANONG KO LANG, PANO MAG PLAY NG VCD DITO SA COMPUTER? ME PANONOORIN KASE AKO KUNG MAGANDA

            (IT WAS OFFICE HOURS)

———————–

ALL KNOWING USER: HELLO ME SIRA YUNG PRINTER NAMIN AYAW MAG PRINT, NAG ADD REMOVE HARDWARE NA KAMI, NAGRESTART NG PC TAPOS NAG CONNECT DISCONNECT NA KAMI NG KABLE, NAG DOWNLOAD NA REN AKO NG DRIVERS SA NET, SIMULA NG NAGPALIT KAMI NG INK NAGKAGANITO NA TO

(AH YES, YUNG INK NAKA SEAL PA, ALA TALAGA MAPIPRINT, SAYANG ALL KNOWING KA PA NAMAN)

———————–

USER: HELLO SIR OFFLINE PO YUNG SESSION NAMIN, NAKAILANG RESTART NA PO AKO SABI PO NYA "NO SIGNAL INPUT OR CABLE DISCONNECTED" SA SCREEN

PINOYTECH: MAM NDI LANG PO NAKAKABIT YUNG MONITOR SA CPU, PA DOUBLE NA LANG PO NUNG KABLE SA LIKOD

USER: NAKAKABIT NAMAN, KATABI NYA YUNG POWER CABLE NG CPU NA NAKASAKSAK SA OUTLET (EH?)

PINOYTECH: EH YUNG ISA PA PONG KABLE, YUNG KULAY BLUE YUNG DULO NA GALING SA MONITOR SAN PO NAKASAKSAK?

USER: ETO HAWAK KO (AYAN ISAKSAK MO SA BAGA MO YAN)

———————–

USER: HELLO GSD, IFOLLOW UP KO YUNG PAYMENT SAMEN DITO SA BLAH BLAH COMPANY

PINOYTECH: TECHNOLOGY DEPT PO ITO SIR ANO PO BANG LOCAL IDINIAL NYO?

USER: 2353

PINOYTECH: AY MALI PO YAN I TRANSFER KO NA LANG KAYO, FOR REFERENCE PO PEDENG 2352 OR 2354 YUNG GSD

USER: AH SIGE DIAL NA LANG AKO ULET

*RING

PINOYTECH: TECHNOLOGY GOOD AFTERNOON

USER: HELLO GSD, IFOLLOW UP KO YUNG PAYMENT SAMEN DITO SA BLAH BLAH COMPANY

PINOYTECH: AY SIR 2352 PO YUNG DINIAL NYO NA LOCAL?

USER: NDE, 2353

PINOYTECH: TECHNOLOGY NGA PO ITO SIR, NDI PO ITO LOCAL NG GSD

USER: ANO BA LOCAL DON?

PINOYTECH: 2352 PO O KAYA 2354

USER: AH GANON BA, SIGE TAWAG NA LANG AKO ULET

*RING

PINOYTECH: TECHNOLOGY GOOD AFTERNOON

USER: HELLO GSD, IFOLLOW UP KO YUNG PAYMENT SAMEN DITO SA BLAH BLAH COMPANY

PINOYTECH: (HAY NAKO) HELLO SIR, ANO PO YUNG DINIAL NYO NA LOCAL ULET?

USER: 2353

PINOYTECH: SIR DI BA IBINIGAY KO NA NGA YUNG MGA LOCAL NG GSD AT SINABI KO NA REN NA TECHNOLOGY DEPT YUNG 2353 NA LOCAL

USER: OO NGA, EH BAKIT BA IKAW ANG SAGOT NG SAGOT DYAN SA GSD? (IM NOT BEING PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS)

———————-

USER: HELLO TRANSFER CALL FOR DOMINGO GALSIM

PINOYTECH: NDI PO ITO LOCAL NI DOMINGO GALSIM TSAKA ALA PONG GANUNG TAO DITO SA TECHNOLOGY

USER: AH GANON BA, ANONG LOCAL NYA?

PINOYTECH: AY NDI KO PO KASE ALAM KUNG SAN SYANG DEPARTMENT, ITRANSFER KO NA LANG PO KAYO SA OPERATOR

USER: NDI PEDE

PINOYTECH: EH? BAKET?

USER: AKO YUNG OPERATOR EH

Tech Support

> >Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

> >Female customer: A white one…

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

> >Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

> >Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

> >Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

> >Customer: No, wait a minute… I hadn't inserted it yet… it's

> >still on my desk… sorry….

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the

> >screen.

> >Customer: Your left or my left?

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

> >Male customer: Hello… I can't print.

> >Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and…

> >Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not

> >Bill Gates.

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every

> >time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and

> >placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't

> >find it…

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Customer: I have problems printing in red…

> >Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

> >Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

> >Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

> >Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

> >Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

> >Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

> >Customer:! OK

> >Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

> >Customer: Yes

> >Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there

> >another keyboard?

> >Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah…that one does work…

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a

> >capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.

> >Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Customer: can't get on the Internet.

> >Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

> >Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

> >Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

> >Customer: Five stars.

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

> >Customer: Netscape.

> >Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

> >Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen

> >saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >Tech support: How may I help you?

> >Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

> >Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

> >Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I

> >get the circle around it?

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her

> >printer.

> >Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

> >Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good

> >point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his

> >printer is working fine."

> >

> > ===============

> >

> >And last but not least…

> >

> >Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at

> >the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

> >Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

> >Customer: I don't have a P.

> >Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

> >Customer: What do you mean?

> >Tech support: "P"…..on your keyboard, Bob.

> >Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

WHEN YOU DIVORCE ME CARRY ME OUT IN YOUR ARMS

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom. This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life.

It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.

Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

Brain Cramps!

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss
America 1995.)
Question:* If you could live forever, would you and Why?*